Robot Cher Goes Mad - Kills Thousands
An investigation is this week being held into the catastrophic malfunction of a Cher robot that went on a bloodthirsty rampage at last month's World Famine Association Annual Dinner and Dance.
"It was awful," said one eye-witness. "Cher seemed to be behaving perfectly politely at first, then the next thing you know it's utter mayhem. Blood and body parts flying everywhere."
At the time of writing experts are still unsure what could have set the Cher off - one theory is that a crucial vent could have become blocked with sand from a beach barbecue the previous evening, others say that the whole design is unstable and the occurrence of a debacle like this was only a matter of time.
CherCo™ have been quick to refute these claims, and have issued the following press release:
Whilst it is regrettable that so many defenceless humans were so brutally slain, CherCo™ cannot be held resposible for this. It was probably someone else's fault. Purely as a precaution however, we are issuing an immediate product recall on models C2000, C2003 and C2005. Any member of the public who spots one of these models still in service is warned under NO circumstances to approach them.
Auguries of Ineptitude
Mike Batt has run into trouble writing his new musical about a grain of sand. "William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand," said the Womble and Snark composer from his Morpeth castle on Friday. "So I thought there'd be plenty of material there for a show. Maybe grains of sand were different in Blake's day because all I can see bugger all in the one I've got. Maybe he had a better microscope. Still, at least I've got the opening song 'I'm Very Very Tiny, Yellow And A Bit Angular' sorted."
Spektor Ferry Dog Egg No-No
Regina Spektor has erected a 30 foot fence around her new egg to protect it from Bryan Ferry's dogs.
"I seen them hound dogs staring at my egg but they ain't getting nowhere near it, man! If they do, there'll be a whole heap o'trouble. Oh boy oh boy!" said Miss Spektor recently from her New York apartment, shortly before nailing up a sign reading, "No Dogs Near My Egg! Got it????"
When asked what her new egg contained, Miss Spektor just giggled and said, "I dunno! Chocolate maybe?"
Skiffle player questions foundations of reality.
Octogenarian washboard player Prester John (77) had the rock world in uproar last night. Apparently he was sitting in the snug in his local pub, much as he has done for the past fifty odd years, when he suddenly put down his pint and turned to his neighbour and one time musical collaborator “Banjo” Ken Stimmings (75) and asked "What’s it all about?", going on to add "I mean really. When it comes down to it?"
"I was stunned," revealed Ken this morning at an emergency press conference. "It had been a fairly normal evening up until that point. Then he suddenly dropped this bombshell"
Understandably our knowledge of subsequent events is sketchy, but preliminary reports would seem to confirm that Prester John went on to drink another couple of pints before heading home at about 10.30 for a toasted cheese sandwich and a mug of cocoa.
Stars are still reeling from his shock pronouncement. Both Madonna and Dido have already booked counselling sessions, whilst Mark Knopfler is said to be "too upset to talk about it".
The Only Star in Heaven
Astronomers at the Chad Valley Observatory, Arizona claim that an interstellar radio signal received from a nearby star is "some version of Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood."
According to chief researcher, Dr Charles Plommet, it seems that an alien civilisation from Vega is trying to communicate with the people of Earth via the medium of the remix. "Frankie's Relax has been remixed countless times by every continent on Earth," Dr Plommet told us yesterday. "It is the obvious track for an alien species to choose when approaching us. Their version has a really good bit where the drums drop out just before the middle eight that I'd never heard before. They are obviously very advanced."
Song Cheat Exposed
This Thursday allegations of gross misconduct were upheld against Brian Wentworth, the fey singer songwriter who took the folk scene by storm last year with his surprise hit “Stripy Lady” and the follow up “Diggin’”.
It was not until he topped the charts for the third time (with the bluesy number “I Don’t Ain’t Got No TB, No Siree.”) that girlfriend Sheila Parison began to smell a rat - or rather a somewhat larger mammal. “I became curious as to where he was getting all his ideas from, so I waited until he thought I was asleep, and followed him when he sneaked out of the house.” It soon became clear that she was right to be suspicious. Wentworth crept quietly down to the badger sett at the bottom of their Hertfordshire garden, then crawled inside. “He was in there for about 10 minutes,” she revealed “And when he emerged his pyjamas were covered in mud and he had several large scratches on his face, but he was proudly clutching a bundle of crude sheet music. It was obvious what was going on.”
Horrified by the injustice Sheila encouraged the real author of Wentworth’s hits, a middle-aged badger called Saul, to take legal action - which eventually led to Thursday’s unanimous verdict of GUILTY.
When quizzed as he left the court on rumours that he and Sheila are now an item, Saul simply wrinkled his snout (the badger equivalent of a satisfied grin), winked and said “no comment”.