Jagger Finally Admits To Being Satisfied

Rolling Stone Mick Jagger has announced that he will no longer sing the rock classic "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" because the song's discontented lyrics no longer apply to him. "What's not to be satisfied about?" said Jagger, speaking from beside the pool of his multi-million pound Hampshire home. "I am a highly successful and respected entertainer. I enjoy good health and regular sexual relations. My bowels are in good shape and I'm really enjoying Julian Barnes's new novel."

The Rolling Stones fifty-eighth album "It's Great to Bake Your Own Bread", is released next month.

Garden Rollers

Legendary 50's Rock and Rollers The Shadows have been honoured with a signature series of Qualcast lawn mowers. The limited edition series will boast a rotary mover in Flamingo Red with tortoiseshell trim which features Hank Marvin's signature. Jet Harris will be honoured by a cylinder mower in Black with scrolled handles featuring his signature in silver, whilst Bruce Welch will be honoured by a signature edition electric "hover" mower in blue.

This comes hot on the heels of slick guitar legend Gordon Lightfoot's signature edition 2 ring baby belling camping stove that was released to such acclaim last year.

Kaiser Chiefs Album Recalled

Record label B-Unique have recalled the Kaiser Chiefs' new album Yours Truly, Angry Mob from shops following fears that it has been contaminated by poor songwriting. It is thought that a number of substandard filler tracks had been inserted into certain pressings of the album, although whether this is the work of an embittered label ex-employee or possibly some kind of costumed super villain is not yet known. Rather than risk the public hearing the tracks, a B-Unique spokesman advised purchasers of the new album to return to the shops where it was bought, or to simply fling it out of the window.

Explorer Discovers Site of "Club Tropicana"

The pop world was shaken to its foundations last week when maverick pop-historian Wayland Smith produced introcontrovertable proof that he had finally discovered the location of one of pop's more beguiling legends, Club Tropicana.

Long believed to be no more than a myth, Club Tropicana is said to be the place where '80s legends George Michael and Andrew Eldritch (collectively known as Wham!) would holiday every year. Smith has spent over twenty years studying ancient records and lyrics in the hope of finding this place where "wine and sunshine, there's enough for everyone".

"I started with the line 'All that's missing is the sea'," he revealed to our Windypops Tropical Legend Correspondent. "That was the first clue - that meant it wasn't on the coast. So straight away the obvious choices of Ibiza, Costa Del Sol and Margate could be eliminated."

For a while Smith was stymied, until a chance encounter with a mysterious stranger in a bar in Ankora left him $1000 dollars poorer, but proudly clutching a tattered map upon which the words "Klub Tropicana" had been crudely scrawled in green biro. "I knew it was authentic immediately," he told us excitedly.

Windypops had one more question for him. Did he really think that the "drinks were free"? "Sorry to disappoint you, but I doubt it," he laughed. "How on earth would a club make a living that way? No, I think the boys were just showing a bit of poetic license. It's a lovely dream though."

National No Sound Day

May 1st has been declared National No Sound Day by the Worldwide Fund for Nature in a bid to encourage rare British toads to breed undisturbed. All music, speech and other types of noise on that day will be cancelled out by a huge white noise generator based in Acton, West London. On that day, people will be expected to communicate only by facial expression and written note. All pop concerts will proceed as scheduled but will now be primarily visual events, with audiences being advised to show their appreciation by giving the thumbs-up sign and smiling rather than applauding. Radios 1, 2, 3 and 6 Music will broadcast a selection of vintage silence from the BBC Archives.

EXTRA!!!!

LEFT LEG:

Sting's Left Leg to Go Solo
It has been confirmed this week that top star Sting's left leg will be leaving him for a solo career.

"I think me and Sting have just come to the end of the line," said the leg earlier this week when cornered by journalists in top nightclub Stringfellows. "You know, all that rainforest crap I could put up with, but now he's releasing an album of medieval madrigals. I mean enough is enough, that ain't rock and roll, that ain't what I signed up for."

Sting was unavailable for interview, but a close family source has revealed that he is "saddened but not surprised" by the limb's decision.

Asked what his future plans were, the leg (to be known in future as Marty Hemingway) replied: "Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter - he's a great guy - but I think it's time I got back to basics. So I'm going to be recording an album of '50s rock classics. You know, Johnny-B-Good, Lucille, that sort of thing. And I'll be working with some top class performers too; the drummer from Status Quo, Paul Carrack from Mike and the Mechanics, but best of all, Peter Gabriel's arm has agreed to sing backing vocals."

Rather than going for the traditional wooden leg, Sting has opted for a more modern design of silver banded glass filled with tiger urine.

BUTTOCK:

J-Lo is a Cheeky Girl
Good news for all you red-blooded males out there, J-Lo's famous posterior just got better by half again. Yes, stop drooling, you read that right. In a controversial move last October, Sony Executives ordered the Latino star to undergo surgery to have a third buttock implanted, and the sensational results were finally unveiled at a special press conference last Tuesday.

Head of Ass Marketing, Harvey Fleckmeister, explained: "Some people say that you can't improve on perfection. Bullshit. Anything can be improved, you've just gotta think outside the box. A bunch of us guys were sitting around chewing the fat one night, when it sudddenly came to me! Hell, I figured, three's gotta be better than two, right?"

He went on to state; "We've done the math and we can confidently state that J-Lo's ass is now sexier by a factor of 150% - no kidding!"

When asked about rumours that Beyonce is considering having a fifth vagina added, Harvey just winked and said "No comment."

Three Times a Lady - J-Lo's new look.

News in Brief

EXTRA!!!!