Last week the event dubbed the “Pop Wedding of the Decade” took place at Alverton Manor, Hampshire. Suzanne Forbes-Gressingham (stage name “L’il Suzie”, self confessed rock wildchild and performer of such hits as Treat Your Man Like a Dog and Gusset Spray) and Robin Faulkner, intense singer-songwriter and critically acclaimed recluse tied the knot in a Lavish and Spectacular ceremony.
Because no members of the press were allowed into the wedding, speculation has been rife as to exactly how Lavish and Spectacular the occasion actually was. Luckily for Windypops readers, our very own Gregor Finch, long time fan and stalker of Li'l Suzie managed to tunnel in and grab some souvenirs before being soundly beaten by security guards and thrown out into the road bleeding profusely. As he is still in intensive care, we haven't got an actual report from him, but we are proud to present the few items he managed to snaffle, interspersed with eye-witness comments from people who were actually there.
She wore a dead posh frock: A couple of swan wings to cover each breast, a diamond tiara on her head and just a disposable nappie on her bottom half. Y'know, keeping to the traditional white - Micha Paris
The groom spent most of the day hiding behind Dolly Diplodocus, blushing furiously anytime someone tried to talk to him. I think that's quite rude, actually - "Puffy" Spice
I caught Sir Elton John and Amanda Redman snogging in the ladies loos. They say he’s a gayboy, I wouldn’t be too sure. Personally I reckon it’s all a big act to get the chicks - and he seemed to be doing ok with Amanda, know what I mean, he was edging his hand up her skirt and she seemed well up for it - Peter Andre
The Bee Ballet, with actual bees was really quite lovely - Cilla Black
The cake was huge, and when they cut into it it was full of dead doves. I think there’d been some kind of mistake and they‘d been asphyxiated. Suzie tried to cover it by making out it was a “statement” - Gary Barlow
I walked into the ornamental garden and discovered Elton John in a compromising position with Caroline Quentin. Nearly put me off me tea - "Umbilical" Spice
I went for the periodic table at the meal, but I was stuffed by the time it got to potassium - Princess Anne
The last I saw of Elton John, he was disappearing into the bushes with Fiona Bruce - Jamie Cullum
Of course I was off my face on angeldust the whole time, so I can’t really comment - Lesley Judd