Weston Sisters Christmas Special 1978
Transcribed by
hedgeticket
OPENING CREDITS
CHEESY TITLE SEQUENCE SHOWING TWINS CLAIRE AND CLAUDIA WESTON MESSING ABOUT IN THE VAST, SNOW-COVERED GARDEN OF THEIR SURREY MANSION. THEY ARE WRAPPED UP WARMLY IN SCARVES, HATS AND MITTENS.
THEY BUILD A SNOWMAN, SLEDGE DOWN A HILL AND HAVE A PLAYFUL SNOWBALL FIGHT. CLAUDIA HITS CLAIRE VERY HARD IN THE FACE WITH ONE SNOWBALL , MAKING HER CRY.
CUT TO THE TWO SISTERS MAKING UP AT THE FIRESIDE OVER A GLASS OF MULLED WINE. PAUSE - THEN CLAIRE THROWS HER MULLED WINE IN CLAUDIA'S FACE AND LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY.
SCENE ONE
THE TWO SISTERS, DRESSED IN FLOWING SATIN DRESSES, GREET THE SMALL INVITED AUDIENCE IN THE DRAWING ROOM OF THEIR HOME. (IS THAT ALAN WHICKER AND JIMMY HILL I RECOGNISE AMONGST THEM?)
CLAUDIA
Hello everyone! Merry Christmas!
CLAIRE
Hi! Yes. Peace be with you on the Lord's birthday!
CLAUDIA
(ROLLING HER EYES) Excuse my sister. She comes over all religious at Christmas. Probably guilt for all the horrible things she's done during the year.
CLAIRE
Ha! You can talk, you little rascal. If stealing your sister's make-up was a capital offence you'd be swinging from the gallows right now…With crows pecking out your lifeless eyes!
THE TWO SHARE A LOOK. THEY'RE SMILING BUT THEIR EYES ARE DEAD. A SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH FROM THE AUDIENCE.
CLAUDIA
Anyway…have we got a show for you today!
CLAIRE
I don't know???? Have we????
CLAUDIA
Yes we have Claire. You delightful little idiot. We've got songs from Val Doonican, a TV debut performance by some very special young musicians, and later on, if we're really lucky, Father Christmas himself may be dropping in - courtesy of our good friend Kenny Lynch.
CLAIRE
Oh wow! I can't wait!
CLAUDIA
That's what you said to your fiancé, isn't it Claire? And look at the trouble that caused! Still, to look at the wedding photos, you'd never know.
CLAIRE LAUGHS AND PUTS HER HAND OVER CLAUDIA'S MOUTH.
CLAIRE
(POUTING) Haha! I could strangle you, sometimes. (PAUSE) I really could. (GATHERS SELF) Let's meet our first guest, one man you could never accuse of being 'off his rocker'! It's Ireland's Mr Sex himself. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for - Val Doonican!
APPLAUSE. CUT TO:
SCENE TWO
VAL DOONICAN RESPLENDENT IN A HOLLY-MOTIFED CARDIGAN RECLINES IN A ROCKING CHAIR, MICROPHONE IN HAND.
HE SINGS A HUMOROUS SONG ABOUT TWO LITTLE SISTERS WHO WERE TOO EXCITED TO GO TO SLEEP ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
AS HE SINGS, CLAUDIA AND CLAIRE ACT OUT THE SONG DRESSED AS LITTLE GIRLS WITH PIGTAILS AND FRECKLES.
DOONICAN DESCRIBES ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS THE GIRLS TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP: COUNTING SHEEP, DOING EXERCISE, ETC.
THE SONG ENDS WITH HIM BASHING THE TWO GIRLS ON THE HEAD WITH A MALLET. UNCONSCIOUS AT LAST, THEY COLLAPSE ONTO THEIR BEDS SMILING PEACEFULLY. DOONICAN WINKS TO CAMERA.
SCENE THREE
THE TWINS ARE WRAPPING PRESENTS AND HAVING A SMALL GLASS OF SHERRY. CLAIRE IS PUTTING A BOW ON A BOTTLE OF BRANDY.
CLAUDIA
Which lucky person is getting that, sis?
CLAIRE
This is for Father Christmas!
CLAUDIA
Claire! You're only supposed to leave a glass of brandy for Father Christmas, not the whole bottle!
CLAIRE
I know! But I'm hoping if we get Father Christmas really merry this year he'll forget to climb on our beds and start trying to kiss us with his big whiskery face like he usually does.
CLAUDIA
Good idea! I wonder if Father Christmas does that to all little girls?
CLAIRE
Oh no. He told me we're his two special little elves and it's just our little Christmas secret.
CLAUDIA
I hope Father Christmas uses some different cologne this year. That pongy stuff he always wears makes him smell just like Daddy.
CLAIRE
(POUTING) Yes, I've noticed that too. (TURNING TO CAMERA) Well ladies and gentlemen - I think it's time to introduce some very special young guests.
CLAUDIA
Direct from London's West End, where they're appearing in their sell-out show "Come Fiddle With Me", it's…
CLAIRE & CLAUDIA
The Kiddie Fiddlers!
SCENE FOUR
CHESTNUTS ROASTING BY THE FIRE. WE SEE:
A GROUP OF TEN 13 YEAR OLD GIRLS, ALL WITH HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS JUMPERS AND ALARMINGLY SHORT SKIRTS. EIGHT OF THEM PLAY VIOLINS AND GRIN INANELY WHILE THE OTHER TWO SING A SONG. THESE ARE THE KIDDIE FIDDLERS.
THE SONG IS ABOUT A GIRL REACHING INTO HER STOCKING ON CHRISTMAS MORNING AND GETTING A BIG SURPRISE WHICH DELIGHTS HER. IT COULD BE ABOUT FELLATIO BUT THIS IS THE 1970S AND IT'S JUST POSSIBLE IT'S MEANT IN ALL INNOCENCE. IT DOES MAKE ONE FEEL SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE, THOUGH.
SCENE FIVE
THE TWINS ARE PLAYING MONOPOLY. THE BOTTLE OF SHERRY ON THE TABLE NEXT TO THEM IS NEARLY FINISHED, A SECOND EMPTY BOTTLE LIES DISCARDED ON THE THICK SHEEPSKIN RUG AT THEIR FEET.
CLAUDIA
Sorry Claire! Go directly to jail.
CLAIRE
What? Like your boyfriend did after he was done for fraud? OK. I'll give him your regards.
CLAUDIA
(SEETHING) He was set up! Scotland Yard is full of bent coppers. Everyone knows that.
UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO AUDIENCE.
CLAUDIA
(THROWS DICE) Twelve. That'll be the age you lost your virginity, then.
CLAIRE
Yeah? Well you could do yours by only throwing one dice.
GASPS FROM AUDIENCE. A FLOOR MANAGER WALKS INTO SHOT BUT THEN HASTILY EXITS, HAND TO HIS EARPHONES, AS IF BEING TOLD TO LET THEM CONTINUE.
CLAUDIA
What are you doing using the top hat token? I'd have thought you'd have been more comfortable with the old boot - or the dog.
CLAIRE
(POUTS) I'll tell you one thing about this game, Sis. At least I can pass a hotel without going in to have sex with a stranger I've just picked up off the street.
MORE SHOCKED RESPONSES FROM THE AUDIENCE.
CLAUDIA
And I'll tell
you one thing. You know that pouty thing you do that you think makes you look cute? Well, it doesn't. Your mouth looks like a dead ferret's arsehole!
CLAIRE
While your mouth bears a striking resemblance to a bag lady's cunt. Most probably because it's so often stuffed with tramps' cocks!
CLAUDIA
Well at least I've never
FUCKED A CAMEL!
THE AUDIENCE IS LITERALLY SCREAMING WITH OUTRAGE. SOMEONE SHOUTS "STOP THIS! IT'S APPALLING!" (ALAN WHICKER?)
THE TWO GIRLS BEGIN CATFIGHTING, VICIOUSLY PULLING HAIR AND SCRATCHING FACES, SOBBING AND SCREAMING.
KENNY LYNCH, IN FULL SANTA CLAUS OUTFIT WITH BEARD AND CARRYING A SACK, ENTERS CHEERFULLY OBLIVIOUS OF THE FIGHTING TWINS.
KENNY LYNCH
Ho ho ho! Who wants a present?
CLAIRE & CLAUDIA
And you can fuck off as well!
AT THIS POINT INTERFERENCE LINES APPEAR ON THE TAPE AND THE PICTURE SUDDENLY DISSOLVES INTO AN EPISODE OF "THE ONEDIN LINE".
THE END