Notable Christmas Singles

1) We All Adore a Vulgar Yule - The Smiths
Was due to be released in December 1986, when the band was at the height of its popularity, but was withdrawn after an error at the record pressing plant resulted in the single being manufactured on vinyl accidentally contaminated with cyanide. "I still say we should have released it in its poisonous form," says ex-frontman Morrissey from his luxurious home on Morecambe seafront. "I find the prospect of countless people retching and convulsing to my music inexpressibly beautiful."

We All Adore a Vulgar Yule - Lyrics
Oh see how the star shines down from the tree
Illuminating an afternoon of singular misery
Father drunk and asleep in his chair
Mother's face a cringing picture of despair
The turkey so tasteless and so dry
And now the Queen's on the television and you want to
Gouge out her eyes.

CHORUS
We all adore a vulgar Yule
The lure of the tinsel
And the presence of presents
Turns us into fools
Yes we all adore a vulgar Yule
Demanding James Bond and muppets
Until our brains turn into gruel

The stocking's suspended like a hanged man
Stuffed with cellophane-wrapped chocolate and cans of SPAM
Why do your fingers tremble as they open the box
When you know damn well it's going to be socks?
Auntie Rita's happy with her ironing board cover
But Uncle Alan's hit the Scotch and is contemplating
Taking up a lover

CHORUS

MIDDLE EIGHT
Old Mrs Pettigrew's so quiet next door
You've never known her not to pop around and say hello before
So you go round there, you see all the lights are dulled
And find the wine unmulled and the crackers unpulled
Hyperthermia has claimed another bride
Frozen fast to her chair, Goldeneye on ITV was the last thing
She saw before she died

CHORUS
Oh we all adore a vulgar funeral
The lure of the eulogy
And the cake at the wake
Turns us into fools
Yes we all adore a vulgar funeral
The hats and the hypocrisy
The stiff drinks and the handshakes
Set me all a-drool
 

2) A Jaws Christmas - Jaws
While tie-in film merchandise is familiar to us these days, back in 1975 when Steven Spielberg's Jaws gave birth to the whole concept of the summer blockbuster, marketing executives had little idea how to cash-in on a big hit film. A total of three Jaws-themed products were released with very little fanfare. The first was a Jaws hot water bottle. It sold poorly, probably because one was required to pour the hot water into the creature's anus, rather than its mouth, an action most purchasers considered distasteful. The second was a Jaws shark-shaped tyre pressure gauge. It proved moderately popular, particularly with truckers, but ultimately failed to find a wider market. The third, however, was a smash. A Jaws Christmas was a novelty festive single featuring a light-hearted 'Christmassy' rendition of John Williams's famous menacing score. The most striking feature of the record, however, was the spoken narration by William Conrad (famous at that time for portraying overweight TV detective Cannon) in which the gravel-voiced actor actually speaks the thoughts of the monstrous great white shark itself. A story unfolds, loosely based on A Christmas Carol, in which the great white shark learns to understand the concept of Christmas (something he previously regarded as a "foolish human custom") and rather than eating a poor family of squid, shares its meal of a rotting seal carcass with them (prompting the young squidlet Plankton Pete to declare, "God bless us, every fin!") The single went straight to number one in the Billboard charts and remained there throughout the entire next year.
 

3) Holby City Woodlouse Christmas - The Cast of Holby City
Exactly what you'd expect from the title.
 

4) P’Nugoso (The Sandman)
Bit of a Christmas oddity this; in 1989 the Aled Jones/Snowman franchise was big business, and the record company was looking for new ways to expand their portfolio. Some bright spark at head office had the idea of tapping into the previously unharvested Pacific Island market, selecting the uncharted island of Palin as a test subject. Reasoning that the original track would have no relevance to the islanders (snow being completely unknown at that latitude), the company lyricists hit on the bright idea of basing the new libretto on a mythological creature more familiar to them: P’Nugoso or Man Made of Sand. In the revised version, the story ends tragically when the tide comes in, sweeping P’Nugoso away forever.

Unfortunately their research fell down on two counts. Firstly, P’Nugoso in their culture, far from being a comfortable, friendly figure, is a sexually voracious demon, secondly, the islanders’ technology was so rudimentary that none of them actually owned a record player. Single sales=Zero.
 

5) Knob My Brains Out (Under the Christmas Tree) - Misty-Fit
Possibly the most sexually explicit record ever released ostensibly as a Christmas single, this 2004 song from British r'n'b diva Misty-Fit was banned by every radio and television station on the planet with the exception of Al Jazeera (in which it was played only during a discussion programme about declining Western morals). Misty-Fit (real name Sarah Poddington) has made a career out of sailing close to the wind taste-wise (one recalls her second single Stick It In Me Right Now Or I'm Phoning Your Brother, which made Radio 1 DJ Sara Cox faint on air; and the title of her debut album I'm Lookin' for a Lickin', which WH Smith would only agree to stock if a sticker was appended to the CD case changing its title to I'm Cookin' a Chicken). The song itself is surprisingly catchy and beautifully produced by longtime Misty-Fit collaborator, producer James B. Teeth, but its risqué subject matter means it will only ever be heard in rugby clubs, biker rallies or private functions for the over 25s. The accompanying video is doing the rounds on youtube. This 3 minute promo is itself the stuff of musical legend but Misty-Fit denies to this day that the reindeer featured in it came to any lasting harm.