HAVEN/Floribunda - Beanstalk (Griffin Records, £349.99)
The new collaborative release from art-rock demi-god HAVEN and plant led loungecore folksters Floribunda should hit the shelves of your local HMV next week and looks set to take the alternative world by storm. Consisting of a packet of 5 magic beans and a miniature trowel, “Beanstalk” is being touted as the world‘s first “Grow Your Own Album“. No idea what the finished product sounds like, as unfortunately I didn’t even get a chance to plant it - my wife threw the beans out of the window in disgust when she found out how much they cost.
Country Mouse - Beans & Bacon
Rural rodent Country Mouse has delivered a somewhat touching album in praise of the simple life. His piping mouse-voice describes a seemingly endless succession of idyllic days spent scurrying in barns and nibbling seeds. While never rising above the merely pleasant, this is at least an album you could play to your grandmother or niece without worrying that it will descend into lurid descriptions of gun crime and risky sexual behaviour. We recommend listening to it on a barge with a plate of sandwiches and a good jigsaw.
8/10.
Town Mouse - Cakes & Ale
Country Mouse's urban cousin Town Mouse has an altogether different set of preoccupations. Not a single minute of this album goes by without him squeaking furiously about all the "slack-mouse-bitches", "fuck-faced cat-lovers" or "trap-layin' scumwits" who are apparently plotting to deprive him of the cheese that he believes to be so rightfully his. Angry, angry little fellow. This is an album to listen to on an iPod as you walk through an unfamiliar part of the city trying not to make eye contact with people.
6/10
Album reviews by L. Cash, G. Twang and A bear from a 1920s circus who's been forced to wear a little red jacket and matching top hat, because the punters think it looks 'cute', but dimly suspects that his essential dignity is being compromised somehow and thus is slightly irritable . .
Atom Johnny - Down Below
The long-awaited debut album from the world's tiniest songwriter and author of this year's surprise hit Lost in a Raindrop. Born no bigger than an atom of hydrogen, Johnny McTable grew up on the mean streets of Edinbugh's Leith district and gained an astonishing insight into the lives of some of society's poorest people. Songs like A Day in a Tramp's Lung, Stuck to an Old Biscuit on the Pavement and Helium Atoms Think They're So Big offer a valuable perspective on the cultural divide in modern Britain. It's just a shame the album is so thoroughly tedious to listen to.
2/10
Razorlight - Up All Night
Growl. Grr growl rrrrr grrrrr (growl growl growl) grrrrr. Rrrrr Grrrowwwl!
Grrr, growl growwwll rrr rr grrr rrrr. Growl growl - Grr grrr growl.
Growl.
5/10
HAVEN/Floribunda - Beanstalk (Part Two)
Crikey O’Reilly! On leaning out of the window this morning I saw that a huge beanstalk had grown up overnight! It looked like it would bear my weight, so I eased myself onto it and began to climb. When I reached the top I was surprised to be confronted with a small bungalow, perched seemingly on a cloud. Hearing music coming from inside I went in, only to discover Liberace playing a huge grand piano with Dusty Springfield and Elvis leaning on it singing a duet. Segovia strummed a bit of backing guitar, whilst Hendrix bashed out a blistering solo and Miles Davis provided a brass counterpoint. Sadly I have to say that it was the most unmitigated pile of drivel I’ve ever heard. Don’t buy this album, it’s rubbish.
0/10