Rock stars do it differently. They have far more exciting, exotic and downright freaky sex than us mere mortals. You won't find Serpent's Kiss lead singer Grinton Tuft doing anything as square as shagging in the missionary position. He's so cool he can only achieve sexual satisfaction by donning a spacesuit and getting a butler to pour warm volcanic mud down the collar to the sound of early Pixies B-sides.
There is, is has to be said, a lot of weird shit going on in the dressing rooms, hotels and tourbuses inhabited by our favourite musical performers. Here are just a few examples:
Cloud-Wagging
To have intercourse in a miniature hot air balloon floating over a sleeping member of the Osmond family.
Plenching the Frume
In layman's terms - to sit on the face of a famous renaissance statue and honk like a goose. It is rumoured that a certain well-known singer has a restraining order preventing him from going within thirty feet of Michelangelo's David.
Executive Google-Dicing
A rock star will Google Picture Search for a random girl's name, select the one from the results they think is the hottest, and then get their 'people' to contact her and arrange an instant fuck-date. Legend has it that Ian Whitgyffte from the Wings of Avalon once waited for three hours at a restaurant for the Mona Lisa to show up.
Plimptonising
To talk dirty to an insect.
"You dirty little bitch. I'm going to fuck your sweet little pussy so hard."
Bibbing the tadpole
Something the Frog Chorus were rumoured to get up to.
Ikea Cramming Those stars with an extensive entourage sometimes get a big black marker pen and write letters and numbers on various bits of them, then order a flatpack wardrobe and try to follow the instruction leaflet.
Getting an Irregular Lesley
When a singer refuses to go onstage until he or she has seen the venue manager's bum. Once a rare and kinky quirk, this is now standard practice at all concerts.
Eating a Cream Tea
To have a scone with butter, jam and clotted cream, followed by a cup of Earl Grey.
Bottom-Rocketing
A certain 'misty'-eyed soul diva once got a roadie to fill her arse with Mentos and then pour in Diet Coke. It is said the resulting jet of froth blinded a guitar technician.
Chinning the draft excluder
When two gentlemen make love to the same choir simultaneously.
WINDYPOPS SAYS: Like, ewwwwwwwww!