1965 (December) - parents Nigel and Peg Cash play Engelbert Humperdinck records to Leona while she is still in her mother's womb to encourage intellectual development. They soon abandon the idea, however, when baby Leona's kicking becomes so violent during these sessions that she threatens to rupture the wall of her mother's placenta.
1966 (April) - born, pisses on mother, shits on father and vomits on midwife. Smiles for first time.
1968 - utters first words: "Solo too long!" while listening to Light My Fire by the Doors.
1972 - aged 6, Leona gives up smoking. This will be the first of many attempts.
1977 - spikes her grandfather's hair and puts a pin through his nose. The old man's funeral is postponed for several hours until the undertaker can undo these alterations.
1978 - contributes regular music column to school magazine but is nearly expelled after writing a coruscating review of Xmas carol concert by kids from neighbouring special school. Review suggests the handicapped children could better serve society by being ground into mince and fed to hungry pets.
1980 - invited to spend day at NME offices after her letter titled "Why I Want to Shag Julian Cope, But Then Kill Him, But Then Shag Him Again" draws complaints from readers and disapproval from mainstream press.
1984 - drops out of English degree at Magdalen College, Oxford to become youngest-ever head feature writer of music mag "Faaaab!" The next six months will see Faaaab!'s sales increase fivefold and then plummet to almost nothing when Leona jumps ship to another mag, seemingly on a whim. This pattern will repeat itself throughout her career.
1987 - scientists name a newly-discovered strain of gonorrhoea Neisseria Cashensis in her honour.
Well-deserved clap: Neisseria Cashensis
1989 - has a vision of God at the Glastonbury Festival. Puts it down to drugs but is then seriously freaked out when she discovers the tab of 'acid' she has taken is in fact just a square of newspaper. In later years she will remember precisely what the deity told her.
1991 - nearly dies of alcoholic poisoning after filling Dave Gilmore's jacuzzi with Pimm's.
1992 - leaves checked shirt in Kurt Cobain's bedroom. When the next night Cobain turns up in the same shirt onstage, Leona takes credit for instigating grunge fashion movement.
1995 - ejected from Pets 'R' Us and arrested after trying to cram Kim Wilde into a Cocker Spaniel's cage.
1997 - The Royal College of Surgeons, Allied Pharmaceuticals and David Cronenberg all sue each other over who has first dibs on Leona's liver in the event of her death.
1998 - Fatboy Slim samples her orgasm. The sound will find its way into several of his hit records.
Regaining consciousness, Leona looks up to see Kurt Cobain staggering
into the room wearing a demonic grin and no trousers.
2003-5 - investigates a number of strange musical phenomena including Baby Bae, the Lullaby Witch, the Merman of Venice, The Strange Affair of the Stolen Air Guitar and The Talented Hannah.
2005 - The Ricky Tuesday incident. Leona vanishes for several months.
2006 - resurfaces and begins stint as head feature writer for Windypops while preparing her autobiography.
2009 - will be found dead backstage at the Astoria Theatre, London. Her last words, scrawled in her own blood on the floor, will be "Life: ****". Opinion is divided as to whether the stars represent a censored four-letter word or a four out of five review.
A paramedic will later steal her liver and sell it for a huge amount on Ebay.
WINDYPOPS SAYS: Leona is fab and groovy and beautiful and guess whose turn it is to write the 'Windypops Says' spots this month?