New Tori Amos Single Leaked Onto Internet Before It Is Even Written.
Thousands of Internet users have downloaded Tori Amos's new single, Monica's Cloud, despite the fact that it hasn't even been written yet. The song, which consists of four seconds of Amos tapping a pencil on a table as she tries to think up lyrics, was recorded surreptitiously by a studio engineer during a rehearsal and released onto the SkrewTheMann filesharing network last week. "It's a fascinating glimpse into Tori's creative process," said Glen Guinness, president of Really Quite Scary People, a Tori Amos fan society. "I can't wait to hear the actual song once it's written."
Archaeologists Discover World's First Popstar.
Archaeologists working at a site near Al Karaza were stunned last week when they uncovered evidence of what is believed to be the world's first popstar. Dubbed "Hieroglyph Richard" the 20ft high figurine is holding an object which appears identical to a modern Beta SM58 microphone.
"Yessir, you could have knocked me down with a feather!" exclaimed head honcho Professor Kyle Snappleback Jr."And see here! This fabric is clearly a primitive form of spandex! Amazing!"
Cambridge don Sir Giles Stephenson, author of Did the Mesopotamians Invent Thrash Metal?, was not impressed however: "Pschaw," he snorted to reporters yesterday. "Piffle," he added, tapping his pipe against a nearby marble column.
Hopper Now A Popper The actor Dennis Hopper is to release a single. The veteran star of Apocalypse Now and Blue Velvet has recorded a cover version of the 1988 Smokey Robinson hit Love Don't Give No Reason. "It's got the most gorgeous melody and this sweet lilting groove. I hope I do it justice," said 70 year old Hopper from his house in Venice, California on Tuesday. The single, which is released next month, will feature an original B-side written by Hopper called Fuck Yourself, You Stupid Fucking Little Prick.
Robbie Williams Tricked Into Climbing Everest. Ex-Take That megastar Robbie Williams has revealed how he was hoodwinked into climbing Mount Everest by U2's lead singer, Bono. "I asked him how I could help relieve Third World debt," said Williams, 32, speaking from St Stephen's Hospital, Hanley near Stoke. "Bono said he was getting loads of bands to climb Everest for the publicity. He said to meet him at the first base camp on the east ridge. I got there but there was no sign of him. I called him on his mobile and he said he'd been delayed in traffic. I should have realised it was a wind-up because I could hear the other members of U2 in the background, giggling. I've lost all my toes now due to frostbite. How's that going to help Africa?"
All That Glitters Could Get Cold. The small South Pole nation of Gluphu has gone ahead with controversial plans to raise a statue to Gary Glitter. The Antarctic islanders persist on regarding him as an avatar of local god Hulguph Gluphug (roughly translated: The Great Penguin That Shines Like the Sea - Ed) despite the paedophilia charges of recent years. "Why would he want to make jiggy-jig with the kiddies?" asked a clearly perplexed president Ph'Lughu yesterday, "They have no titties, it is preposterous."
Pixies Reform as Monkees. 80s alt-rockers the Pixies are to reform once more, this time as 60s pop sensation the Monkees. Frank Black takes on tambourine duties as Davey Jones while Kim Deal dons the famous bobble hat to become Mike Nesmith. Joey Santiago is now Peter Tork and drummer Dave Lovering is currently awaiting the collagen implants that will turn him into Mickey Dolenz.
Biggest DOG In The World.
Cable TV Station PrimeTunePlus has angered viewers with its new Digital Onscreen Graphic or 'DOG' - the station logo in the corner of the screen that helps viewers identify the channel they're watching. PrimeTunePlus's new DOG is so big it covers more than half the picture and outraged viewers are launching a petition to complain.
"It's disgraceful," says campaign spokesman Jeremy Fredericks. "I know stations have to identify themselves easily in a competitive multi-channel environment but last night I sat down to watch their Peter Gabriel retrospective and all I could make out was part of his arm and the sky."
Super Furry Sweeties. Those Welsh readers with a sweet tooth will be pleased to know that melodic songsters the Super Furry Animals have finally opened a toffee factory.
"We've been talking about the idea for several years now," explained lead singer Gruff Rhys Jones, "but something about it didn't seem quite right. Then we realised what it was: there would be no way of stopping the filthy English from enjoying our lovely Welsh toffees!"
Thanks to a brainwave from drummer Cerys Matthews this no longer needs to be a problem; the cases of toffees are simply stopped at the border and small quantities of strychnine and razor blades are inserted into each.
"It's the perfect solution!" laughed Gruff Rhys at their press conference last Thursday, before offering round a plate of toffees to reporters.