EAT, DRINK AND HAVE MERCY...

Yesterday saw the start of the latest venture for enigmatic ambient/psyche star HAVEN. A restaurant no less! But like all his projects (remember the succession of "DIY" singles in the mid 90s released as actual instruments? I have tambourine and viola, but I'm still looking for theremin...), it has that well known HAVEN twist. My wife Mel and I went along to see what all the fuss was about.

The opening ceremony was well attended by all the usual noise-art brigade. I am Swan rubbed shoulders with Gladfinger, Mik Talbot and members of Necrosaints. At precisely 8.00pm the impressario himself appeared. Clad in his trademark mask and cape, to the sound of a single trumpet note played unbearably loud, HAVEN led a procession of torch carrying dwarves in livery three times around the dining area, before wordlessly pointing out the daily specials chalked up on a blackboard near the bar and disappearing in a cloud of dry ice.

The menu is pricey at £140 per head, but when you see the care with which each dish has been presented, nearly worth it. So what do you get for your hard earned moolah? Here's what I had (many, many thanks to Melanie Finch for food photography):

STARTER - Who's Fishing Now?

An hors d'oeuvre which worked on several levels, unfortunately none of them culinary.

DRINKS - Crandall Bros. Chrysler Estate 1999 Pinot Grigio
The wine list was limited, but I managed to find a reasonably priced Pinot Grigio. Full lemony undernotes and a sharp yet honeyed foretaste were slightly spoiled by a faint rubbery tang from the car tyre inner-tube it was served in, but it was chilled to perfection.

MAIN COURSE - And The Ice Will Ensnare Us All.

At 5m tall, and featuring the embalmed eyes of several extinct species, it's hard to know what HAVEN was intending with this. A comment on global warming perhaps? The drip, drip of the melting ice echoing the slow, sad tears of the condemned? Whatever, it tasted like shit.

DESSERT - Steamed Treacle Pudding (parts I and II)
This was actually quite tasty. Mel and I polished off this bog standard treacle pudding and custard (part II?) in a matter of minutes, but decided to forego parts III and IV (consisting of being led blindfold into a back room, nailed to a large wooden cross and urinated on by the dwarves in livery mentioned earlier) as we were by this time quite full.

An interesting meal, but I don't think we'll be going again. If, like us, you're a long-time HAVEN fan, you'd be better advised to dig out your old vinyl copy of "Earth-Shell-Earth", dim the lights, put your feet up and bung a couple of Marks and Sparks ready-meals in the oven - which, come to think of it, is what we usually do of a Saturday night these days, anyway...